


Push and Pull

by saturnalyia



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Jooheon-centric, M/M, Slow Burn, idolverse, survival show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-25 14:23:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20725652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saturnalyia/pseuds/saturnalyia
Summary: The thing Jooheon remembers most about the first time he meets Changkyun, is how carefully Changkyun pronounces his name. “Hello, my name is I.M,” he says —ah-ee-em.Each syllable, separate from the next. Like he’s afraid they’ll forget.





	Push and Pull

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Set during No Mercy when Changkyun first joined - the two are rivals for the role of rapper and convinced they'll never be friends, however eventually things come to a head and they end up admitting their attraction to one another, eventually turning into romance.
> 
> this is very very canon compliant I literally rewatched no mercy to make sure the lines and timings etc. all fit please appreciate the fact that I had to re-experience the suffering of watching that show just to write this thank u

The thing Jooheon remembers most about the first time he meets Changkyun, is how carefully Changkyun pronounces his name. “Hello, my name is I.M,” he says — _ ah-ee-em. _ Each syllable, separate from the next. Like he’s afraid they’ll forget.

That much, Jooheon can understand. In a way, they’re all afraid of being forgotten. That's why they’re here, after all, begging on their knees for the chance to be emotionally tortured on national television for the public's entertainment. 

It would all be worth it, as long as people remember their names.

All stories have a beginning. This one begins here. 

* * *

Jooheon doesn't think he says a single word to Changkyun throughout the entire course of that uncomfortable first dinner. He just pushes his hat down on his head, and pulls the neck of his sweater up to cover the lower half of his face. Peers out silently as Kihyun tries to explain why the atmosphere’s so horrendous and Hoseok blurts out some platitudes about the timing being bad and Minhyuk just scowls. 

It helps that Jooheon was at the far end of the table, and isn’t expected to make conversation with Changkyun anyway. He wonders how hard he would have tried, had he been the one sat next to Changkyun. If he would have tried at all. Jooheon likes to think that he would, but in his heart he knows — probably not.

Hoseok tries so hard, throughout the entire meal, to lighten the mood. “Will he be as good as Jooheon?” he asks, when K.Will first tells them, and Jooheon knows it’s meant to be a cheerful reminder that Jooheon’s _ good — _so good, in fact that he doesn’t even need to worry, he can take the joke — but instead it feels like a premonition. And then Hoseok tells him and Gunhee to work harder, because they must not have been good enough if K.Will’s bringing a new rapper onto the show, and Jooheon clenches his fists so tightly under the table that he thinks his fingernails might draw blood from his palms.

They have to split into two vans to head home, and even though Jooheon makes it a point not to be in the same van as Changkyun, the atmosphere is still sullen. Jooheon's shoulder knocks against Gunhee's as the van moves. They haven’t said anything to each other since Changkyun's arrival. But the unspoken hovers between them. 

There are cameras set up in their dorm when they arrive. Jooheon doesn’t want to talk to Changkyun, but nor does he want to talk to any of the other trainees. After the stinging discovery that Minkyun had already packed up his things and left, Jooheon goes straight to the bedroom, sits on the lower bunk with his elbows resting heavily on his knees.

Jooheon wonders if it’s arrogant of him to think that he’s more likely to make the final line-up than Gunhee. He wonders if the new kid will be better or worse than him. He wonders if debuting will mean as much if he doesn’t get to do it with Gunhee, if he has to do it with this stranger instead. 

Jooheon wonders a lot of things.

They’re being called out one by one to record interviews about the situation in front of a green screen. When Jooheon comes back from his turn, Gunhee is standing in the room, his arms resting on the upper bunks of their beds. The cameras are still rolling.

"It's fucked up, this is."

Jooheon sits back down on the bed. "Yeah," he replies, because it is, and because there’s nothing else to be said. He looks down at the ground between his feet. “No mercy, indeed.”

That night, when all the lights have been turned off and production team sent home, Jooheon adjusts the ‘No. 1’ badge sitting by his pillow like a good luck charm. He won’t give it up. Not to anyone, and certainly not to Im Changkyun.

* * *

The unfortunate thing is, Changkyun’s good. 

Jooheon hears him rap for the first time when Giriboy and Mad Clown put him on the spot, ask to see his skills without any warning. And Changkyun steps up, transforms from the meek, withdrawn kid, into something else. Something that Jooheon can’t help but be a little bit afraid of. If this is what Changkyun is like in a cramped recording studio, Jooheon shudders to think what he’ll be like on stage.

They’re in the same team for this mission, but they still don’t speak outside of ‘hello’s and ‘goodbye’s and ‘let’s practice your part now’s. Jooheon doesn’t mind it being this way, except a part of him thinks that maybe the reason why Changkyun’s cut himself off from the rest of the group is because he thinks he’s better than them. And maybe he’s right about that.

“I don’t like him,” Jooheon says, sitting down at lunch across from Kihyun. He glances across the modest cafeteria in the Starship building. Changkyun is, as he always is, sitting by himself. This time, it’s at a small table tucked up against the far wall, his headphones in, bopping his head to the music. His lips are moving ever so slightly, like he’s rapping along. Practicing. 

Kihyun follows Johoheon’s gaze. He lingers on Changkyun’s small frame a little longer, before sighing. “I know you don’t,” he says, turning back to Jooheon. “But we’re teammates.”

“And that’s fine,” Jooheon replies. “We’re working together fine. But I don’t have to like him.”

“He seems like a good kid,” Kihyun says. “He’s so young.”

Jooheon shrugs. Changkyun’s only a year younger than him. “He’s arrogant.”

“He’s _ good,” _Kihyun says, as if that changes anything.

“Still arrogant.” 

“It’s not arrogant to know that you’re good,” Kihyun points out. “Besides, aren’t all the best rappers a little arrogant?”

He has a point. Doesn’t mean Jooheon has to like it. He scowls darkly at Kihyun, or maybe at the hunched figure of Changkyun that he can sort of see over Kihyun’s shoulder. 

“He’s my rival,” Jooheon says, a little hotly. It sounds pathetically melodramatic, when he puts it like that — as if he’s a superhero with an arch-nemesis. Or maybe Changkyun is the superhero, and he’s the arch-nemesis. He scrunches up his face. “What do you want me to do?”

“Just talk to him.”

“You talk to him.”

“I _ have _ talked to him, where do you think this is coming from?”

Jooheon groans and drags his hands through his hair. “Why are you getting on my case about this?”

Kihyun levels him with an unblinking stare. “Because,” he says, “I think you’ll like him.”

Jooheon meets Kihyun’s gaze steadily. “You’re wrong.”

(As it turns out, Kihyun is not wrong.)

* * *

Jooheon does end up speaking to Changkyun. It’s mostly born out of necessity, because they’re sent to one of the composition rooms to work on their rap together. But Jooheon could have chosen to launch straight into the work, and he doesn’t. He sits next to Changkyun in the tight box of a room, feeling the weight of the cameras boring down upon them, and tries to think of Changkyun not as his competitor, but just as another human being.

“Were you a trainee before?”

Changkyun doesn’t look at him. “Yes,” he mumbles, in that deep, rumbling voice of his, “two years.”

_ He’s so young, _ Jooheon thinks, Kihyun’s words ringing in his head. Still only one year younger than Jooheon, but he thinks he sees what Kihyun means. 

“To be honest,” Jooheon says, staring stoically at the white, sound-proof wall in front of him, “I wasn’t going to speak a word to you.” He’s angry, he realises. He knows what the other trainees have been saying, and he can’t help but wonder. “Before you came on the show,” he asks, voice low and measured, “did anyone promise you that you would debut?”

Changkyun looks up. Jooheon can see, out of the corner of his eye, the look of surprise on Changkyun’s face. It looks genuine. Or maybe Changkyun’s just a very good actor.

“No,” Changkyun says, firmly. That’s it. He doesn’t question why Jooheon’s asked him that, if that’s the rumour that’s making the rounds. Nor does he get mad, or offended. Changkyun holds himself together tightly, more tightly than Jooheon’s ever seen.

He breathes out heavily. Changkyun may be young, but so is he. They’re all so young. Part of him thinks — this isn’t fair. But that’s only a small part. The rest of him is saying, screaming — life isn’t fair, and you’re lucky to even be here.

“You coming in here, at this stage — it feels like you will debut.” Jooheon is tired. “It feels like you’ve been promised something.” His chest feels tight with worry. “People were eliminated before, and now you’re here. It makes me so angry. What is the meaning of this?”

Changkyun stays silent. He’s looking down, at the black and white keys of the electronic keyboard sitting in front of them. Joohen can’t read him at all, and Jooheon’s usually good at reading people. But he was wrong about one thing. Changkyun isn’t arrogant. Not at all.

“As long as you’re on the show,” Jooheon says quietly, “it’s going to be tough for you.”

Changkyun pushes his shoulders back, places one hand firmly on Jooheon’s knee. Like he’s steeling himself for something. “I’m just grateful,” he says, voice thick and hard to decipher, “that you told me what’s on your mind. I know it’s hard for you guys to open up to me. So even if it’s just a little, when you come talk to me—”

It’s only when Changkyun breaks off mid-sentence, that Jooheon realises he’s crying.

He doesn’t know what to say. In the moment where he hesitates, Changkyun wipes at his eyes with the sleeve of his sweater. 

“Let’s get to work,” Changkyun says. He still doesn’t look at Jooheon. Which is fine, because Jooheon can’t bring himself to meet Changkyun’s gaze either.

* * *

Changkyun never seems to go home. Jooheon can’t figure out if he’s avoiding the dorms because of how uncomfortable the atmosphere is (even though it’s improved a lot), or if he’s just really diligent. But he catches a glimpse of Changkyun sitting in the composition room, head in his hands, late one night, and it stops him in his tracks.

He knocks, sees through the little window in the door Changkyun look up in surprise. His eyes are lined with dark shadows.

“It’s late.” Stating the obvious. Jooheon grimaces at himself. 

Changkyun shrugs. “I’m working on stuff.”

Jooheon should just leave. They’re not friends. If anything, they’re closer to enemies. But he’s seen that look of delirious desperation before. Many times. Always in the mirror. It’s not a look he can bring himself to ignore.

So he lingers. Not quite sure what he’s trying to achieve. “You need sleep.”

“Can’t get this one bar right,” Changkyun replies, “the rhythm is all off.”

Jooheon isn’t good at talking at feelings. He’s good at joking, and making people laugh, and lightening the mood. That’s what he always does, instead. It’s what he does now.

“At least I know for sure you haven’t been promised debut,” he says, “you wouldn’t be working so hard like this otherwise.” It’s not the worst delivery of what’s meant to be a teasing, playful statement, but still it falls miserably flat.

Changkyun blinks up at him. “I haven’t been promised debut.”

Jooheon rubs the back of his neck, discomfort seeping through his bones. “I know that—”

“Besides,” Changkyun continues, turning away from Jooheon as he cuts him off, “promises of debut don’t really mean anything.”

He says that with the weight of someone speaking from personal experience. Jooheon frowns. “What?”

“Doesn’t matter. I’ll head home soon.”

Jooheon, who had thus far been hovering in the doorway, now steps into the composition room and lets the door swing shut behind him. “What did you mean by that?” His voice is rising slightly, along with the hot bubble of anger inside him. If Changkyun had been lying to him, if Changyun had in fact been cut a deal when he joined the show— “Were you promised debut?”

Changkyun looks up at him. There’s a hardness in his eyes, the steely glint of disdain. “Not by Starship,” he says coldly.

And that — what? Jooheon makes a noise of frustration in the back of his throat. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“None of your business.”

“It absolutely is my business,” Joohen spits. “If you were promised something, that’s not fair to the rest of us—”

“This has nothing to do with you!” snaps Changkyun, shooting to his feet. His chair topples backwards, like it’s about to fall, then it knocks against the back wall of the room and rights itself, wobbly and uncertain. Jooheon watches this with morbid fascination. Changkyun doesn’t seem to have noticed. He glares at Jooheon. “This was before,” he says, “before this show.”

Jooheon has absolutely no idea what’s going on. “You were promised debut before?”

“Yes,” Changkyun says, “and I can tell you this for sure — promises don’t mean anything.”

The door slams shut behind him when he leaves. Jooheon sits down on the flimsy plastic chair that Changkyun had vacated.

* * *

Jooheon looks it up himself. He expects it to be hard to find, but it’s not. He’d just never bothered looking, he supposes. It makes for an evening of roiling, conflicting emotions, as he scrolls through the sparse handful of news articles about Special K Entertainment going bankrupt, about a group named Nu’bility being disbanded just before they were meant to debut, about a boy named Im Changkyun being tossed aside like he was disposable. 

“Did you know this?” he asks, when he finds out, shoving his phone under Kihyun’s nose.

Kihyun takes a long, hard stare at the news article and the picture accompanying it, of Changkyun and four other boys. He looks up at Jooheon. “Yes,” he says, simply.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Not my story to tell.”

Jooheon grunts in frustration. “Why didn’t _ he _ tell me?” he asks. “Tell _ any _ of us?”

Kihyun purses his lips at Jooheon. “You didn’t ask.”

And no, Jooheon didn’t. Didn’t even think to.

* * *

Yoonho gets eliminated next. 

(Another rapper bites the dust.)

* * *

Changkyun cries when Yoonho leaves.

Jooheon sees it by accident. He’s just loitering around after the show, when he spots Changkyun. Wiping at his tears with the back of his sleeve, hidden in a shadowy corner backstage, probably assuming he’s not being looked at. And Jooheon isn’t quite sure what drew his eyes over, but in any case — he sees Changkyun, hunched into himself, rubbing at his face fiercely, like he can by sheer force of will stop himself from crying.

It’s not an image Jooheon can put out of his head. Especially not now that he knows what he does, about Changkyun, and Nu’bility. The guilt gnaws at his insides, constant and unyielding. Not for the first time, he realises that this show they're on — it's all been orchestrated for maximum entertainment value. And if that comes at the expense of their tears, that's just the price they're expected to pay. 

“Hey,” Jooheon nudges his shoulder against Changkyun’s, later, as they stumble out of the van and back into their dorms. Changkyun glances up at him out of the corner of his eye, wary and guarded. Jooheon supposes he deserves that. “You okay?”

“I’m fine,” Changkyun says. He sounds distinctly _ not fine. _There’s a thick, clogged up quality to his voice. But he keeps his head ducked down and shuffles silently through the doorway.

Jooheon follows him through, and into the kitchen. Watches as Changkyun opens one cupboard, then another.

“What are you looking for?”

Changkyun freezes. He doesn’t turn to look at Jooheon. “Cough drops,” he says, “I have a sore throat.”

Jooheon steps in front of him, pulls open one of the cupboards Changkyun had already opened, and lifts a small biscuit tin from the middle shelf. “Kihyun hyung over-organises everything,” he says, by way of explanation. Changkyun takes the box from him, mumbling his thanks, and fishes the cough drops out from amongst the various medicines. He sniffles slightly as he does so, keeping his head stubbornly bowed even as he pops a luridly yellow lozenge into his mouth.

The words are out of his mouth before Jooheon even has time to consider why he’s asking. “You sure you’re okay?”

Changkyun rubs the back of one hand against his eyes. “Yeah, I’m fine.” He tries to leave, but Jooheon side-steps into his way. Changkyun stumbles, looks up at Jooheon in surprise. His eyes, Jooheon realises, are rimmed with red.

“You’re not fine,” Jooheon says. “is this about Yoonho?”

A flicker of annoyance crosses Changkyun’s face. “Why do you care?” he grits out, though his voice sounds more empty than angry. “Leave me alone.”

It would be so, so easy for Jooheon to just step away. Just one shuffle to the side, and Changkyun would be on his way, and Jooheon wouldn’t need to bother with any of this. 

But he looks down at Changkyun, at the soft roundness of his features contrasted against the sharp, steely edge of his eyes, and Jooheon feels his chest twist, coiling and expanding at the same time. He can't look away. 

In the end, Changkyun is the one who looks way. He steps back, shaking his head and dragging one hand through his hair roughly. “What do you want from me?” he asks, frustration permeating every syllable. 

“I don’t—” Jooheon starts, but Changkyun cuts him off with a derisive scoff.

“I’m too tired for this,” he says, bitter and harsh, “If you want to hate me, blame me for it, fine — go ahead. I don’t care.”

“I don’t blame you,” Jooheon blurts out. He blinks at Changkyun, not quite sure where he’s going with this. “It’s not your fault.”

This much is true — it's not anyone's fault except their own, for chasing the exact kind of hopeless dream that lets the world do this to them. And from the way Changkyun is looking at him, exhaustion scrawled across his face — Jooheon think he understands this too.

“I’m sorry,” Jooheon says, abruptly. Changkyun’s expression fades into one of confusion. “I heard about your other group.”

Changkyun narrows his eyes. This seems to take him aback, even though he tries not to show it. “I don’t need your pity.”

“I’m not pitying you.” After all, Jooheon has no time or emotional capacity to feel sorry for anyone else. Not when they're all in the same boat — and the boat's sinking fast. 

Jooheon steps closer to Changkyun, hesitantly places one hand on his shoulder. Changkyun looks at Jooheon's hand, like he's not sure what it's doing there, but doesn't make go to remove it. Nor does he step away. He looks up at Jooheon placidly. 

The two of them stand there, face to face. 

Jooheon clenches his jaw, then unclenches it. "I'm sorry, too — for everything else."

Changkyun's expression is unreadable. "What is everything else?"

"For judging you before I got to know you. For assuming things. For — not realising that we're the same, really."

Something in Changkyun's gaze softens. The corners of his lips twitch. "Yeah," he mumbles, "okay. Cool. Thanks."

The knot in Jooheon's chest loosens slightly. He slides his hand to the nape of Changkyun's neck, gives it a reassuring squeeze. Tries to remember how he acts with his other dongsaengs, and replicate that.

"Here’s what we’re not going to do," he says, firmly, a newfound determination flooding through him. "They want us to hate each other. We’re not going to give them that. Okay?"

Changkyun blinks up at Jooheon. "Okay," he says, though he sounds unsure.

Jooheon's made his point, 'let's bury the hatchet' and all of that. He could — probably should — walk away. But he doesn't. Something keeps him rooted to the spot, something that tugs him ever closer.

He pulls Changkyun towards him by the grip he has on the back of his neck, until their foreheads are touching. Leans their foreheads together like that, sharing the slow inhales and exhales against each other's skin.

"The fact is," Jooheon says, quietly, his blood rushing like thunder in his ears, "as long as we’re competing for those rap positions in the debut group, we’re still rivals. But we’re not going to play that up for the cameras any more." Jooheon can almost see every individual eyelash of Changkyun's, that's how close they are. He stamps down on the fluttering in his chest. "From now on we’re a team.”

Changkyun's gaze flickers to the ground, and when he exhales Jooheon can hear the tremble in his breath. It takes Jooheon another moment to realise that Changkyun's lashes — fine, feathery — are glistening with tears. 

"Thank you," Changkyun says, "Jooheon-ssi."

Jooheon releases Changkyun, takes a quick step back. "Aish," he says, a little too loudly to be natural, and Changkyun startles, "kids these days. Shouldn't you be calling me hyung?"

This draws a small laugh from Changkyun. "Okay," he says, "hyung."

That's the thing about turning points. You don't realise things are changing until they already have.

* * *

The show, in a rare show of mercy — funny, that — takes them on a trip to the amusement park. But Jooheon knows better than to accept things at face value, and he spends the first hour being incredibly jumpy, waiting for K.Will to explode out of a Minnie Mouse costume and demand they hold an impromptu concert right by the merry-go-round, or something equally ridiculous. When Kihyun taps him on the shoulder to ask if he wants to go on the Viking ship, Jooheon flinches so hard he knocks Kihyun's ice cream cone clean out of his hand. Having to spend the rest of the afternoon ducking away Kihyun's death glares helps Jooheon forget about the show they're on, just a little bit.

He's standing on solid ground, watching Minhyuk excitedly getting into the queue for a ride that looks positively nauseating, when Changkyun comes up to stand next to him. 

"You gonna go on that ride?" Changkyun asks, nodding over to where Minhyuk's dragging an extremely reluctant Hyungwon along with him into the queue. Hyunwoo is trailing behind them happily.

Jooheon makes a face. "Absolutely not," he says. "I went on enough rides to give the production crew what they needed. No more."

Changkyun laughs softly — it's almost a giggle, Jooheon thinks, expect that Changkyun doesn't _ giggle, _so that can't be right. "You don't like rollercoasters, do you?"

"Hell, no." Jooheon shakes his head vehemently. The rollercoaster in question shoots by overhead, accompanied by the sound of a carriage-load of people shrieking at the tops of their voices. He grimaces at Changkyun. "You seem to like them, though?" 

"Yeah, they're fun." Changkyun has his hands in his pockets, and his head upturned to watch the progress of the rollercoaster along its looping track. From somewhere near the head of the queue, Minhyuk shrieks excitedly, and Changkyun laughs. But he makes no move to attempt to join Minhyuk.

"You're not going to go with them?"

Changkyun shrugs. "Nah," he says. He lifts his gaze to Jooheon, eyes sparkling. "I saw someone carrying around this massive thing of cotton candy. Wanna go get some?"

The excitement, and anticipation, on Changkyun's face. How could Jooheon even dream of saying no? Which is how he finds himself standing by the fountain, ten minutes later, watching as Changkyun peels fluffy shreds off an incredibly over-sized ball of cotton candy. Jooheon bites down on a laugh as Changkyun tries to shove a cloud-sized piece of cotton candy into his small mouth.

"You have candy all over your face." He points at the corner of Changkyun's lips, where the fluffy pink candy is already crystallising into little flecks of sugar. 

Changkyun beams at him, sticks his tongue out of the corner of his mouth to lick at the sugar. He doesn't even come close. "Got it?" he asks, with pride.

"No, you're not — it's right there." Jooheon gestures feebly as Changkyun rubs uselessly at his face with the back of his hand. It spreads the sugar across his cheek. 

"Oh, stop, let me do it," Jooheon finally says, in exasperation. He reaches forward, fingers gently braced against Changkyun's cheek, his thumb swiping across the corner of Changkyun's lips.

Changkyun blinks. "Oh," he says.

Jooheon freezes. His hand is cupping Changkyun's face. Changkyun is gazing up into his eyes. There's a giant ball of cotton candy between them.

Jooheon's heart stops.

"Ah!" Jooheon flings himself backwards, panic flooding his veins, then disguises his dramatic overreaction with a coughing fit. "Uh — sorry. I — you're good now."

"I — um," Changkyun starts. For the first time since acquiring the cotton candy, he looks somewhat less than thrilled. That's not to say he looks unhappy. He just looks — mildly alarmed. "Thanks, hyung."

Jooheon grimaces. There's a siren going off in his brain, but he can't quite figure out what it's trying to warn him about. "Changkyun—"

And then: "Oi, what are you guys doing?"

Jooheon turns, and Minhyuk is running over to them, clearly just done with rollercoaster ride. Behind him, Hyungwon is leaning against Hoseok, looking even more deathly pale than usual. Jooheon thanks the heavens he didn't let Minhyuk convince him to go on the ride.

"We're moving over to the other side of the park," Minhyuk announces. He links his arm with Changkyun, drags him along. They're really friendly all of a sudden, given how much Minhyuk had insisted at the start that he was going to hate Changkyun, no matter what. 

Jooheon watches as Changkyun gets pulled into the rest of the group. Hyungwon abandons Hoseok in favour of using Changkyun as his crutch. Changkyun offers Hyunwoo some of his cotton candy, laughs at something Hyunwoo says. 

Jooheon wonders when everyone else got so close to Changkyun. How did he miss that happening? What else has he missed?

"You're staring."

Gunhee's voice next to his ear makes Jooheon yelp and jump about a foot in the air.

"Fuck, don't do that!" Jooheon clutches both hands to his chest, pouting exaggeratedly as they trail along behind the rest of the group.

"Sorry," says Gunhee, grinning, not looking sorry at all. He's peering at Jooheon with a knowing look in his eyes. "You and Changkyun looked really cosy earlier."

Jooheon scrunches up his face. "No, we didn't."

Gunhee raises one eyebrow. "What do you call sharing a stick of cotton candy, then?"

"Being _ friendly?" _

"Hmm." Gunhee shrugs. He looks like he has more to say, but is choosing not to say it. Jooheon wants to ask, but he also really doesn't. "I'm glad you guys are getting along, though."

"Yeah? Why?"

"Because." Gunhee glances ahead, at where Kihyun is whispering into Changkyun's ear. "You guys might debut together. You should get along."

Jooheon stares at Gunhee. "Don't—" 

"It's true," Gunhee says. "They may not have promised him anything, but they liked him enough to bring him in at the last minute. And they were right to — he's good."

"You're good, too," says Jooheon. It feels empty, like telling a friend who's been dumped that they're better off this way. Because Jooheon knows the truth, and so does Gunhee.

"Not as good as him," Gunhee says, tackling the previously unspoken truth head-on, "and that's okay. He's a talented kid. He deserves this."

Jooheon feels like his chest is being compressed, like his lungs can't expand fully. "Gunhee—" 

"No, don't." Gunhee gives Jooheon a tight smile, claps him on the shoulder, and then he's jogging to catch up with the rest of the group, and Jooheon is left wondering why the thought of debuting with Changkyun instead of Gunhee doesn't fill him with as much disappointment as it should.

* * *

They end up being put on the same team, along with Hyungwon, for the final evaluation performance. It's in the middle of one of their dance practices, when realisation crashes into Jooheon like a freight train.

Changkyun's rapping his part, sweat-slicked hair sticking to his forehead. He holds one hand up to his mouth, miming holding the mic, performs to his own reflection. Jooheon's taking a break, sitting on the floor at the back of the room, watching. Transfixed.

When Changkyun finishes his part, he drops his hands down to his side again, cocks his head at himself in the mirror. He mutters one of his lines under his breath, like he's trying to figure out how to get his tongue around the rapidfire flow. His brows knit together. 

Then Changkyun's eyes shift, and he locks gazes with Jooheon in the mirror. Jooheon's been caught staring. But Changkyun just lifts the corners of his lips in a small, secret smile.

Jooheon's heart slams to a stop in his chest. His throat goes dry.

Changkyun looks away but still Jooheon can't stop staring. When his heart starts up again, it's at a terrifyingly rapid pace.

"Oh," Jooheon says to himself, under his breath, _ "fuck." _

* * *

So maybe Jooheon's attracted to Changkyun. No big deal. He can handle a pesky little crush.

Except that being around Changkyun is hopelessly distracting. He jumps every time Changkyun so much as accidentally bumps into him, and when Changkyun tries to talk to him, he gets embarrassingly tongue-tied — especially for a rapper.

So Jooheon does the only thing he knows how — he runs away.

Avoiding Changkyun turns out to be easier than expected. During practices and rehearsals, all of their attention is focused on perfecting the performance, and there's no time for chatting anyway. During breaks, Jooheon puts his earphones in and huddles in a corner of the room. After practice, he makes excuses to loiter in the building until he's sure Changkyun has left, so they don't need to travel back to the dorm together. Back at the dorms, he makes sure to always stick to Gunhee or Hyungwon or Minhyuk, and extricates himself from conversations that end up involving Changkyun.

Everything is _ under control. _

(Until it's not.)

It's two days before their final evaluation performance. Jooheon is actually feeling pretty confident. The song is insanely good, they have the choreography down to perfection, and whatever's going on with him and Changkyun, it's not affecting their professionalism on stage.

So what if it's eating him alive, the fact that looking at Changkyun sets his insides on fire? So what if the more time he spends with Changkyun, the more he feels his chest twisting with affection and admiration? So what? _ So what? _

Jooheon claims to need the bathroom as their choreographer declares the session over, leaving Hyungwon and Changkyun to head home together. He can feel Changkyun staring at him as he grabs his bag and darts out of the studio towards the small bathrooms at the end of the corridor.

In the confined space between the two cramped cubicles and the sinks, Jooheon stares at himself in the mirror. _ Get a grip, _he hisses to himself. It's just a few more days. And then — the rest, he can deal with after. Debut first, figure his feelings out later.

Then the door to the bathroom pushes open, and in steps Changkyun.

Jooheon whips round in shock. "Changkyun—" he starts, stumbling over the word.

"No, hyung, don't say anything." Changkyun has a hard set in his gaze, like he's working himself up to say something. "Let me speak first."

"Uh." Jooheon is frozen to the spot. He feels like his brain has short-circuited and come to a stop. "Okay."

Changkyun nods his head slightly. His jaw is tightly clenched. 

"I know you're avoiding me," he says, and Jooheon's heart plummets. This is it, Changkyun knows why he's being so weird, he's going to get weirded out by Jooheon's crush, everything is utterly _ ruined. _

In a feeble attempt at damage control, Jooheon bleats out, "I'm not avoiding you."

Changkyun shoots Jooheon a sharp, 'don't give me that bullshit', look. Apparently he doesn't think Jooheon's pathetic lie even deserves a response, because he just barrels on with his speech. 

"I don't know what's going on, or why you're avoiding me," — Jooheon internally heaves a sigh of relief at that — "but I thought we were...friends, now. If you're angry with me, don't I deserve an explanation? Don't I deserve at least that?"

Jooheon releases a shaky exhale. At least Changkyun is none the wiser about his crush. But this — this is bad too. "I'm not angry with you," he says weakly. 

"Then what? What's going on?"

"Nothing is going on!" Jooheon's gaze darts behind Changkyun, towards the exit. Maybe if he slips under Changkyun's arm, he can make a dash for it…

"Hyung!" Changkyun shouts, snapping Jooheon's attention back to him. He looks furious, but then his expression suddenly crumples. "Please," he says, voice coming out choked, "I just — I thought we were okay. Please tell me what I've done wrong."

The vice around Jooheon's lungs tightens. "You haven't done anything wrong," he pleads, reaching forward to hold Changkyun by the arms, before hesitation. His hands hover awkwardly in mid-air for a second, before he bites down and places them squarely onto Changkyun's shoulders. "It's not you. It's — it's me."

"It's you? What does that mean?"

"It means — I just —" Jooheon scrabbles for something to say, something, anything, other than the raw, unadorned truth. He comes up blank. Nothing.

He drops his hands from Changkyun's shoulders, rakes them through his own hair in frustration. "I don't want you to hate me." 

Changkyun frowns, like he doesn't get it. "Hyung—" he says, earnest and open in a way that Jooheon most definitely does not deserve. "I could never hate you."

A long silence. Changkyun's standing so close to him. Jooheon's feels his gaze flick down to Changkyun's lips before he realises he's done it. His brain is screaming at him to step back, walk away — but every fibre of his is being drawn, helpless as a planet caught in a star's orbit, towards Changkyun. 

"If I — if I'm reading this wrong," Changkyun says, forming each word carefully. Jooheon can feel his heart in his throat. "If this isn't — I mean, will you stop me?"

Jooheon blinks down at Changkyun. "What—" he starts, but his words turn to dust on his tongue, because suddenly Changkyun's stepping even further into his personal space, and then Changkyun's hands are gently resting on his arms, and then Changkyun's tipping his head up and pressing their lips together. 

It's all over before Jooheon has a chance to register what the _ fuck _ is going on. He isn't even sure he kisses Changkyun back. Maybe he just stands there in stunned silence. Not exactly the way he would have wanted their first kiss to go. 

"God," Changkyun is saying now, pulling away, "that was so stupid, I'm so sorry—" 

But it's not stupid, it's not, it's the most unbelievably incredible thing that's ever happened to Jooheon, and he's not going to let the chance slip through his fingers, so he reaches one hand to the back of Changkyun's neck, drags him in for another kiss. 

This time, Jooheon is going to make the most of it. He braces his other hand on the curve of Changkyun's hip, pulling him close so that their bodies are flush. He can feel the ledge of the sinks pressing against his back. It's not the moat comfortable, but Jooheon couldn't care less, not when Changkyun's hands are sliding up to his jawline, lips parting with a drunkenly enticing moan, tongue slipping out to meet Jooheon's own.

Hunger flares in Jooheon's gut. He pushes the hem of Changkyun's t-shirt up, just enough to rest his palm against the soft, bare skin of his waist. Changkyun groans and sucks on Jooheon's lower lip, sending another electric shock of arousal coursing through Jooheon's body.

"Changkyun," Jooheon manages to groan out against Changkyun's lips, "what — oh god—"

A loud banging noise from outside the bathroom interrupts whatever Jooheon had been about to babble out. He jerks away from Changkyun, knocking his hip against the side of the sinks. Changkyun, for his part, flings himself against the opposite wall so forcefully that he accidentally sets the automatic hand dryer off.

The bathroom door opens, and one of the evening janitors pokes his head in. "Oh," he says, "I didn't know anyone was still here."

"We're just leaving!" Jooheon near-shouts. He casts Changkyun a guilty look. His lips are bitten red, and his cheeks are lightly flushed. There's a dazed sort of glazed over look in his eyes, and _ god — _Jooheon wants nothing more than to kiss him again.

That's such a bad idea. And Jooheon knows it, but as he slinks out of the bathroom behind Changkyun, the two of them awkwardly and silently making their way back to the dorms together, he just can't for the life of him remember why.

* * *

"What's going on with you and Changkyun?"

Jooheon's eyes widen at Hyungwon's unsolicited demand of a question. "What—"

Hyungwon arches one perfectly-shaped eyebrow at him. "Don't give me that," he says, "I'm not stupid. Or blind. Are you guys going to be okay performing together tomorrow?"

"We're fine," Jooheon says, firmly. "I don't — we're a team, right? I'm fine with him, I don't dislike him or anything."

"Oh, I _ know _ you don't dislike him," Hyungwon replies, and Jooheon can almost hear the knowing smirk in his voice. The panic makes it almost impossible to form coherent sentences.

"I don't—" 

Hyungwon scoffs, interrupting Jooheon's probably incoherent babble of an excuse. "I know sexual tension when I see it," he says, matter-of-factly. Then just falls silent, like he's waiting for Jooheon to give up the pretence and just tell him the truth.

Which, with a heavy sigh, Jooheon does. 

"Fine, I'm attracted to him," he says, defeated. "He's obviously really hot. But he's also intelligent, and funny, and charming in this weird off-beat sort of way, and being around him makes me feel all tingly inside — why are you looking at me like that?"

Hyungwon's lips are slightly parted, eyes wide, like he's surprised by what Jooheon's saying, even though he's literally the reason why Jooheon's talking about this in the first place. When Jooheon interrupts himself to glare at Hyungwon, this seems to take Hyungwon aback. 

"Sorry," Hyungwon mumbles, sheepishly. "I just — you really like him, don't you?"

Jooheon makes a face. "You know this — you're the one who asked me about it—"

"Yeah, but." Hyungwon rakes one hand through his hair. "I thought you just wanted to fuck him — but you _ like _him."

The dull ache in Jooheon's chest suddenly sharpens. 

He _ likes _Changkyun. 

He likes him, and he's suddenly realising that maybe he has for a while, maybe ever since that first night where he'd said his name like they were three unconnected syllables — _ ah-ee-em _— or maybe the time he'd cried in front of Jooheon in the composition room, or maybe when they'd shared that ridiculously large stick of cotton candy at the amusement park and Jooheon had thought that, as sweet as the candy was, Changkyun was sweeter.

But they're in this stupid competition together where nothing feels real and certainly nothing feels like it's built to last. His life right now is a surrealist painting, wobbly and unnervingly unreal, but not quite bizarre enough to be amusing. Jooheon's exhausted and his nerves are constantly on the fritz and this one more thing on top of all the other things is just _ too much. _

He doesn't realise he's crying until Hyungwon's leaning forward, cupping his face in one hand, thumbing at his cheek to wipe away his tears.

"Its okay, Heon-ah," Hyungwon murmurs, soft and soothing, "it'll be okay."

"It's not okay!" Jooheon hears himself wail, the desperation clear in his voice. "How could this possibly be okay, oh god—" He's _ kissed _Changkyun, for crying out loud! Why did he do that?

Hyungwon presses both of his hands to Jooheon's cheeks. "Hey, hey," he says, "look at me."

Jooheon sniffles but raises his gaze to meet Hyungwon's. He can see the genuine concern in Hyungwon's eyes. It makes him want to curl up into a ball and hide away, somewhere no one can ever look at him again.

Instead, he decides that since he's talking about it he might as well talk about all of it, so he juts his lower lip out and says, "Hyung, I — I kissed him."

There's a beat of silence. Then Hyungwon's jaw falls open, and he says, "You did _ what?" _

"Kissed him," Jooheon repeats, dejectedly. "Actually, I guess he kissed me first. But I kissed him back."

Hyungwon makes a strangled noise in the back of his throat. He's clearly trying to remain calm despite Jooheon's unexpected revelation. "When was this? How did it happen? Have you talked about it? Kissed again?"

Jooheon grimaces. "It was a couple nights ago, and no we haven't talked about it," he replies, "and in an ideal world I would _ never _have to talk about it."

"Yah, Lee Jooheon," Hyungwon says sharply. "If he kissed you it means he likes you too, why are you looking so mopey about it?"

Jooheon doesn't know either, to be honest. All he knows is that his chest hasn't stopped feeling compressed in days, and he's filled constantly with a looming sense of dread. For the final evaluation coming up, which might mark a new beginning, but which also definitely marks an end. 

"I want to debut with him," Jooheon says, suddenly, not even realising what he's saying until he's saying it. "Changkyun. I want to debut with him." But it's the truth, and as the words leave his mouth he knows it. 

And it's not just because he likes Changkyun, or whatever — it's more that the same things that drew him to Changkyun in the first place are also the things that he thinks would make the two of them go well together on-stage. Changkyun's slightly reserved, languidly sexy air, contrasted with Jooheon's high-energy style — the dynamic between them pushes him when they perform, helps him find ever-increasing heights, places he never even thought he'd be able to go to with his rap.

And off-stage — off-stage, Changkyun's presence is still as magnetic as ever. Maybe even more so, because this time it's not for show, it's just Changkyun, with his piercing gaze and his deep thoughts and the way he says Jooheon's name like a prayer.

"God, fuck," Jooheon mutters, and he can feel the tears bubbling up from inside him. He presses the heels of his hands into his eye sockets. "Fuck, what do I do?"

Hyungwon gently prises Jooheon's hands away from his face. "That's not a bad thing," he says, "it's okay to want to debut with someone. We're all friends, right? And we want to stay in a team together."

"No, but—" Jooheon can feel the panic rising inside him like bile, along with the bitter taste of guilt. "But it was always Gunhee," he chokes out, the words suffocating him even as he speaks them. "We had this dream, we were going to debut together. And now — and now—" He dissolves into a broken sob, chest squeezing so tight he feels like he can't even get any air into his lungs. The world swims around him.

Hyungwon places on hand on Jooheon's back, right between his shoulder blade. "Hey, deep breaths for me, okay?" he murmurs, rubbing slow circles into Jooheon's muscles. "Deep breaths."

Jooheon wipes at his tears with the back of his hand. "Maybe all three of us could debut together, but it's like — are they really going to have three rappers in the team? And does it even matter, when I would _ rather _debut with Changkyun than with Gunhee, and that's a terrible thing to think about my best friend—" 

"Shush, no — it's not," Hyungwon says fiercely. "You've done nothing wrong. And Gunhee would say that too, if he knew what you were going through."

"Yeah?" Jooheon sniffles, and uses the sleeve of his hoodie to rub at his leaking nose. It's all a bit gross, but he feels slightly better, he thinks. "Yeah, okay."

Hyungwon wipes at Jooheon's cheeks with his thumbs, then pulls him into a hug. He presses Jooheon's face into his shoulder, and Jooheon thinks he feels Hyungwon give him a kiss on the top of his head.

"You're just under a lot pressure," he says, voice muffled into Jooheon's hair. "All of us are — but you're putting even more if it on yourself. One thing at a time, okay?"

Jooheon nods, and narrows his face even more securely into Hyungwon's shoulder. That's all he can do, really. One thing at a time. Get to debut first. The rest can come later.

* * *

Jooheon doesn't remember much about the finale. He goes on stage pumped full of adrenaline, but the final performance is before he even has time to breathe, and then suddenly he's standing on a pedestal that feels far too large for him, under a spotlight that burns far too bright. 

He hears them call Changkyun's name — _ ah-ee-em _— and his heart somehow manages to simultaneously flutter, and plummet. Relief washes through him — he's going to debut with Changkyun! — but it's quickly overtaken with ice cold terror. And guilt. The heavy, leaden sense of guilt.

Jooheon can't look at Changkyun, but he sees out of the corner of his eye Changkyun's head bowed as he steps onto one of those bloody ridiculous pedestals. His breath feels like it's trapped somewhere in the back of his throat, a bubble ready to burst.

It happens when he hears Minhyuk's name being called. He's so glad to be on Minhyuk's team, but that's the final spot, which means — no Gunhee. 

His breath comes, choked, ripping out of him. His hands shake, and there are tears burning at his eyes. Every camera on him feels like a ten ton weight, and there are a _ lot _of cameras on him. He turns his back to the cameras — breaking rule number one of the entertainment industry, but he's so sick of this, so sick of feeling like all people want from him is his pain — and tips his head back, trying to force the tears to stop welling up in his eyes.

He doesn't look at Gunhee, standing lonely up there with Seokwon. The guilt that had been gnawing at him threatens to consume him whole. 

This is his fault. He'd made a cruel, terrible wish — he'd picked the boy he had a crush on over his best friend, and now he has to bear the weight of knowing that the universe had granted his selfish request. How can he ever face Gunhee again? Jooheon feels sick.

K.Will is saying something about — them being a team now, the seven of them. Jooheon can't really hear, the ringing in his ears is so loud. He just wants this moment to be over, to be out of the lights. He's going to be sick. His head swims. 

He's still crying, hiccuping weakly, when someone helps him down from the pedestal. He doesn't know who it is, probably one of the staff, or maybe one of the others — his _ members, _now — and he's too disoriented to figure out. There are words trapped in his mouth, behind his teeth, weighing heavy on his tongue, but he can't speak them and doesn't know what they are.

The first thing that he manages to become conscious of, outside of his haze of tears and the thumping of his own heart, is Changkyun. Standing just in front of him, head bowed, face hidden beneath his hood. Shoulders shaking jerkily. 

He's crying, too. 

Jooheon feels himself shatter. He stumbles forward, helpless to the pull. Presses one hand against the back of Changkyun's neck, leans their foreheads together. 

Changkyun makes no indication that he's noticed Jooheon, except that his breath starts coming in more staccato huffs, like he's crying harder but trying to stop himself.

"Work hard, okay?" Jooheon chokes out. It's not quite what he wants to say, but what he actually wants to say is just — too much. He can't even wrap his head around it. "Work hard. You have to work hard." They all do. Their journey starts here.

A fervent nod from Changkyun, accompanied by sniffles. He lifts his head slightly. Tears streak across his cheeks, glisten like dew in his eyelashes. His face is slightly splotched pink. He's utterly breath-taking, Jooheon thinks, with a start of his heart.

"Jooheon—" Changkyun starts. He either chooses to drop the honorific, or trails off before he can complete the thought. 

Either way, the sound of his name on Changkyun's tongue shoots directly to Jooheon's core. His heart clenches.

He releases Changkyun, steps back abruptly. Changkyun looks surprised, but he doesn't say anything. 

"I just—" Jooheon's words turn to ash in his mouth. He stumbles backwards, bumps into someone, one of the production crew maybe, he isn't paying attention. His gaze is locked onto Changkyun.

"I'm sorry," Changkyun says, barely audible. There's visible anguish in his eyes. Jooheon wants to comfort him, wants to wipe that hurt away, but that's just not something he can do right now. The air in his lungs feels thin. He can still feel Changkyun looking at him as he turns and melts into the crowd.

* * *

"I shouldn't be the one crying," Jooheon sniffles, rubbing fiercely at his eyes with the backs of his hands. He hiccups. "I'm sorry."

Next to him, Gunhee chuckles — how he is even able to laugh? — and shakes his head. He nudges his shoulder against Jooheon's. They've crept into a quiet corner backstage, legs outstretched as they sit with their backs against the wall.

"Don't be sorry, you've done nothing wrong," Gunhee says. "I'm proud of you."

More tears pool in Jooheon's eyes. The guilt in his chest tightens its grip, drags his heart down. "We were going to debut together," he says, voice wavering. "I'm sorry that we can't."

Gunhee wipes at his eyes with one hand. "Nah, I was always more of a lone wolf anyway," he says, obviously trying to stay upbeat. "I'll go solo. It'll be fine. Just you wait."

Jooheon manages a feeble laugh. He pats Gunhee's thigh fondly. "Okay, I'll be looking forward to that."

They sit in silence for a bit, Jooheon just trying to figure out how he's feeling. Everything is such a tangle. His muscles ache with exhaustion.

"K.Will was right, you know," Gunhee says, breaking the silence. 

Jooheon raises an eyebrow, tilting his head at his friend. Since when has K.Will been right about anything? But he doesn't say anything, just lets Gunhee continue.

"You have a new team now," Gunhee says. "You should be with them."

"You're on my team too," Jooheon insists, because he needs Gunhee to know that, but otherwise he understands the sentiment. He sighs, leans his head back against the wall behind them.

"I know," Gunhee says, and even though Jooheon isn't looking at him, he thinks he can hear the smile in his voice. Then his voice drops, a combination of concern and amusement tingeing it. Like he's testing the waters. "Changkyun's on your team, too."

Something inside Jooheon flutters, effervescent in a way that he can't quite tamp down. "Yes," he replies, because he doesn't know what else to say.

Gunhee suppresses a laugh, poorly. "You should work things out with him."

Jooheon grimaces. "I have," he grumbles, "it's not like I still hate him."

"I never said you did."

Jooheon shoots Gunhee a look. "What?"

Gunhee just shrugs. "I don't know what's going on, and you don't have to tell me," he says, "but I know you well enough to know — there's something there that you need to sort out."

Jooheon hums contemplatively. Gunhee's right. There's definitely something he needs to sort out.

* * *

Changkyun hasn’t hung around backstage with the rest of them, and he’s not in the dorms when Jooheon returns, riding in the van with Minhyuk and Hyungwon. He also doesn’t reply or pick up when Jooheon first texts him, then calls him.

Jooheon’s resigned to just waiting for Changkyun to return, sitting sort of glumly in the living room and Gunhee packs up his things to move out of the dorm, when he finally figures out where Changkyun is.

“Where are you going?” Minhyuk asks, startling slightly as Jooheon leaps to his feet and rushes over to the front door to shove his feet into his shoes.

“I have something to do,” Jooheon calls out, already flying out the door. 

He had been so full of confidence, but as he heads down the corridor in the Starship building towards the composition room where he and Changkyun had first had their proper chat, he realises his heart is beating at a terrifyingly rapid pace, and his throat has gone completely dry. The building is eerily silent. Jooheon can hear his blood rushing through his ears. Part of him wishes he’s wrong about this, that Changkyun isn’t hiding out where Jooheon expects him to be, so that they don’t have to have this conversation.

But most of Jooheon knows that it’s something they need to get over and done with, and sooner the better.

He peeks in the small window when he arrives at the door to the composition room, and, true enough, Changkyun is there. Sitting on one of those creaky plastic chairs, staring emptily at the opposite wall. 

Jooheon knocks one, hesitantly, and pushes the door open. Changkyun looks up as Jooheon enters, and his eyes are clearly rimmed with red. Jooheon’s chest clenches.

“Hey,” Jooheon murmurs. He shuts the door behind him, and perches on the chair next to Changkyun. “You okay?”

Changkyun shoots Jooheon a weak smile. “I’ve just made debut,” he points out. “Why wouldn’t I be okay?” He sounds decidedly not okay, all clogged up and raspy like he’s trying not to let his voice crack.

Jooheon nudges into Changkyun’s shoulder with his own. “Yah,” he says, forcing his voice to be more upbeat than he feels, “you don’t have to lie to me.”

There’s a pause, as Changkyun considers this. He looks at Jooheon, dark eyes solemn and filled with an intensity Jooheon can’t help but feel exposed under. Then he presses his lips together, and sighs. “I’m sorry, hyung,” he says, quietly. “I’m sorry for taking Gunhee hyung’s spot. I know you wanted to debut with him.”

The tightness in Jooheon’s chest twists. He bites down on his lower lip. “Changkyun-ah.” His words have turned to ash in his mouth. “You don’t — you have nothing to be sorry about.”

Changkyun blinks up at him. “Hyung,” he mumbles, his eyes glassy. 

Jooheon doesn’t let himself think too hard about it. He reaches out, places his hand on top of Changkyun’s, where it’s resting on his knee. Changkyun looks down at their hands like he’s surprised to see them there.

“Don’t ever apologise for fighting for your dream,” Jooheon says firmly. He rubs his thumb over the back of Changkyun’s hand. “You’ve worked so hard and been through so much to get here. You deserve this.”

Changkyun’s eyes are cast down. He rubs at his eyes with the back of his free hand, clearly trying to be surreptitious and casual about it. Jooheon feels so incredibly, achingly, fond.

“Besides,” Jooheon continues, while he’s feeling stupid and brave and a little drunk on Changkyun’s presence, “I wanted to debut with you. I’m glad we’re going to be doing this. Together.” He nudges gently at Changkyun’s hand to flip it over, interlaces their fingers.

Changkyun curls his fingers around Jooheon’s hand, still staring — like he’s amazed that they’re holding hands. “Hyung,” he breathes, the barest of exhales. Then he looks up, suddenly, straight into Jooheon’s eyes. The openness of his gaze pierces straight through Jooheon. “I really like you, hyung. I’m glad I met you.”

Jooheon feels his heart flip into his throat. “Me too,” he replies. Changkyun’s so close to him, and Jooheon lets his gaze wander — from Changkyun’s earnest, wide open eyes, down the slope of his nose and curve of his cheeks, trailing finally down to his lips. His throat has gone desert dry.

“Hyung,” Changkyun says again, and hearing Changkyun call him that sends flutters of an unnameable _ something _ skittering through Jooheon’s chest. He watches as Changkyun’s gaze flicks to his lips, then back again, like he hadn’t meant to do that. “We — we’re going to debut together,” he says, sounding almost scared. “Aren’t you afraid — what if this — _ we, _what if it fucks it all up?”

And yes, Jooheon’s absolutely fucking _ terrified. _The debut alone is scary enough, but adding all of this on top of it — he’s just a bundle of nerves held together by sheer willpower.

But, at the same time, this feels like it’s worth the risk.

“We’ll figure it out,” Jooheon says. He leans closer. “You and me. Together.”

A hint of a smile tugs at Changkyun’s lips. His eyes fall shut. “Together,” he repeats.

When they kiss, this time, it’s soft and slow and Jooheon thinks that maybe, just maybe, he might be falling in love.

**Author's Note:**

> dear prompter I hope u enjoyed this! there's no nsfw unfortunately because I wanted it to be SUPER canon compliant and it didn't feel like it would fit their characters and the situation at the time. to everyone else I hope you liked it too, please leave comments/kudos if you did :)
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/saturnalyia)


End file.
